Family- A six-letter word. I am sure everybody loves their family and wants to stay in touch with their own family.
Consider growing in an environment in which people don’t understand you, are controlling, manipulative, and try to control you by instigating fear in you, and want to take every decision of your life just on the assumption that this decision is what society will appreciate. Well, it seems quite toxic enough.
I had issues growing up with my parents. The environment described above fits quite right in my scenario. I grew up with a sister and a brother. Growing up with my brother wasn’t a pleasing experience, I would say. I had to see how much free will does my brother was given and how every time we have to ask for everything, even for a little thing like going jogging in a park. So most of the time I used to feel jealous of my brother. But it wasn’t my brother’s fault, it was of my parents.
I tried to prove myself better than my brother in a hope that one day my parents will treat me like their own son. and will set me free to live my own life and will understand that this is my life for which only I should be accountable. and I should be the one making decisions for my life. I am 25 and till today I cannot step out of the house against their will. I cannot meet my friends because apparently, they don’t think that this is what a girl should do. It is the 21st century, I know. But in spite of getting good grades, gaining a good job, I had never lived my life once without fear. I had a life outside this house when I used to study in different district/state, where every time I had to be on alert that there should be no loose end of the fact that I am having some life here that I like (making friends, partying, visiting places, laughing ) because otherwise it would have risked my studies.
And now my studies are over, and I am back at home. I want to speak but I can’t speak with anyone because obviously there is so much clash of thoughts between me and my family. And according to my parents, if a girl starts expressing her thoughts, or starts wanting freedom, they should marry her away with some random stranger of their caste. I tried to make my parents understand that how do I feel or what do I want. But every conversation started in a way to make them understand anything always ended in heated arguments. Earlier it used to end in behavior in which my parents will start hitting me but now I have stopped arguments and I think so they are quiet too.
So sometimes, I think, that when do I will get to live my life? Is the only solution left that I can have my life is running away from them? because of where it is heading, I don’t see a life where I will be happy. they will marry me off to a random stranger and I will be a married woman. They don’t care if I want to get married or not. No, I do not want to get married to anyone. But they won’t just care. they think that it is right, so they will do it. They won’t care if I am ready to share myself with some stranger that they will choose for me. Their answer is that you will learn eventually to compromise, every girl does.
I have grown so distant from my parents that I do not have any attachment with them anymore. I want to be happy. Do whatever I want to do for once in life without the fear of getting caught. I do not know who made such systems in India, where patriarchy is so much dominant, but I hate it. It suffocates me. I wish I could talk to any person in real life who could say that they do understand me, but there is no such person.
SO here I am flooding this platform with all the sorrows of my life. It doesn’t help me in finding any solution, but it feels like someone out there might feel and can tell me that whatever I am feeling is not crazy. That it is just the environment that is making me feel like this.
My home has never been a home to me. Some kind of jail, where I am stuck with familiar faces. They feed me but in return they want me to shut my mouth and do whatever they ask of me. They want me to nod yes in their stereotypical decisions.
I thought after getting a job, I would be able to have the life that I have always craved. my Life, my decisions-for which only I am responsible for, good or bad, Doesn’t matter. They just need to be mine. I was wrong. Getting a job didn't help. For example, I told my father that I want to go outside and learn dance. his answer was: do your work, no need to learn anything, stay at home. Our families girls do not learn dance. Okay, can I go to the park early in the morning? his reply: No you cannot go alone, won’t be good for you if you went(in a threatening way). I didn’t argue and simply shut and swallowed. But how long I will be able to take this.
Do I have to make a decision which I am avoiding for a long time: freedom or parents. Because they won’t let me take control of my life, and it will just suffocate me more.
I do not know what good parents might look like, but I might know now what not good parents look like.
